bigbadmere

these entries are making me mad. new journal, i suppose. 
merenator 
i'll prolly just go and add all y'all, unless you've never talked to me. 

     I just got out of my meeting with my adviser. I feel so, so, so much better about this all right now. She said not to worry about the MFA program or applying for the MA program; if I don't get into the MFA program, they'll put me into the MA pool more than likely and I'll probably get in. She also went over how long I'd have to say to go into secondary ed and it would be no more than four semesters, which is a lot better than I assumed. But then we went on to talkin gabout careers I could have as I finish schooling and she assured me that it doens't matter what your degree is as long as you have a degree. I mean, I knew this already but it helps to have someone say that word for word. As long as you have a degree, companies will hire and train you, unless it's a specific field like engineering or some shit like that. But I feel so, so, so much better right now. She said my best bet would be to get my MA, and then if I want to go into the teaching of creative writing I should get my MFA after that and get things published. An MFA and published work is as good as a PhD when it comes to working at a college or university. She also told me that teaching at a community college with just my Masters is a possibility, and even teaching at a University if I get a lot of short stories published or write a novel.  Basically, it was a vent session and she helped me a lot and I feel so good and, you guys, it's weird how nothing is really different but I feel so good right now.
     I think I deserve a white mocha, thank you very much. 
     I need to get a battery for my car and someone who can help me change it. I need to get a present for some cute blond. I need to work on two papers and do some reading and write some poems. 
     Tyler's birthday was last night. I went out with him for a while and I don't know. I always feel weird around most of his friends because I literally have nothing in common with them. And that's not it; like, our sense of humors are different and none of them really amuse me in any way. But I sat and talked to this one dude for like an hour and a half about Harry Potter and I felt like a loser. wtfff. So then I walked home and you guys, it's cold. Fuck this. 
     Holy shit this girl just walked in and she's like 6'5". I feel normal. 

i feel at ease right now. it's a mixture of everyone i've talked to today. i cried a lot. but i feel really okay right now. and not like before when i thought i was okay but i really wasn't. i feel like i can breathe. i get to see jo(h)n tomorrow, which makes me happy. i'm getting coffee with amber on thursday which should be nice. she seems to be a lot like me only artistic and with a nicer smile. i have a lot to do tomorrow, but i'm praying this winter storm comes on and we don't have classes so i can trudge through the snow to the library and whatnot and just enjoy the snowbanks. i doubt it, but either way i'll enjoy the snowbanks. you are beautiful. 

 also, have you ever wondered why you fill out paperwork, yet you fill in information? shouldn't you fill in paperwork, as well? this makes no sense to me. 

 
things I miss:

• watching the shining over and over again with roasty
• cuddling with kodi and bella in my tiny bed
• playing eyezmaze with josh until 5 in the morning
• taking walks at 3am with tyler and laying in snow banks and watching the snow fall. 
• my medical sociology class.
• adam's hugs, even if he managed to almost break my face like 3 times
• leading random bible studies in west hall when i was in my greeks and the bible class
• duck duck goose in the lounge
• setting up tents in the study room with moose and play go fish with 5 people in a tent made for two. 
• being able to curl my hair.
• forcing peter to go wading while he convinced me my house was on fire. 
• falling head over heals in love with kids at the toy store
• juggling
• when my grandma berry would pull me aside and make me write out my christmas list for her
• painting my grandma's fingernails.
• playing frisbee golf in st ignace. actually, playing frisbee golf in the kite store, too. 
• weeklong slumber parties with tyler
• talking to sean about iceland. 
• lunches with peaches and loula, no matter how obnoxious peaches could be. 
• getting in fights with deedee in the back of the van until we both lost our voices.
• camping in the haunted apple orchard with the chaney's, quinn, and my bbcakes jesse. 
• getting piggy back rides everywhere.
• staying up all night, going to class, sleeping all day, then going to walmart for chewy candies with roasty. 
• the smell of summer in the mornings at my house. 
• when people used to hug me all the time. 

     I feel like I have to make a decision that I'm not ready to. I wish people would give me a straight answer. i want some chocolate. i hate that i can't control my emotions anymore. i hate that my car is lame and i have to walk to class, run to third street, run back to my other class, then walk home at 9 tonight. i hate that my feet are cold right now.

But I really like coffee and oatmeal. Nummy!

I'm not ready for this. 

fuuuuucccckkkk youuuuu car. i just wanted to go to walmart with tyler and get some fucking chocolate but LOL I OPEN THE DOOR, THE LIGHT DOESN'T EVEN GO ON. IT DOES NOTHING. BATTERY DEAD. FUCK YOU. also, i'm pretty much done talking to everyone because they don't even respon when i im them, call, text, whatever. i get it, folks. no worries. i'll just sit here and chill with my car that's dead. 

and now i have to walk to the pool tomorrow morning, walk back with wet hair, call AAA, hope they get there before my class at 3, and then stab myself in the fucking face. fuck you, car. fuck you, everyone. fuck you, michigan because you're cold and i hate you. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

so ive been morphing faces all night thanks to peter.

( lulz. )


apparently, all of our kids would have downs.

tyler owns annie. the one with albert finney and carol burnett. i used to watch this movie every single day when i was little. and i would sing along the whole time. i used to want to be on broadway and it was because of this movie. ok i still want to be on broadway but i know it won't happen. but omg i love this movie and we're gonna watch it when he gets back from running across the street to get cigarettes and i'm going to serenade him because I CAN'T HELP IT OMG.

what's your favorite musical? disney movies count.

BOOOO MICHIGAN. I'm totally not stoked about being back in Michigan. I'm tired, it's cold, I'm wearing pants, there are no seals, it sucks. I'm going to post all my pictures eventually, but for now I'm just going to post a few that make me smile. Now! My favorite parts of the San Diego trip in bullet form!

• making a news broadcast at the aquarium
• watching the seals play in the ocean and then frolic around on shore!
• old town and all the sweet little ceramic things. omg the buddddhas.
• the zoo! specifically the porcupine that i got to pet, the giraffes!!!!!, the elephants, and the meerkats.
• the wild animal park! mainly the gorillas and the bird show. i don't even like birds! but omg the gorillas were SO CUTE. and the silverback was all RAAAAWR I'M FAT. i loved him.
• pokez. omg don't get me started.
• wearing shorts and dresses the entire time! omg!
• driving out to the desert, even if it was scary at night and i slept half the time. it was pretty.
• mexican food!
• omg i just loved it all who am i kidding.

I've been having dreams about Obama. That's weird.
So right, I get back to Michigan and my Charter bill says I now have to pay almost 60 dollars a month for internet and i was all EXCCCUUUUSE ME, BITCHES? So, I called up those sluts and got it knocked back down because paying 60 dollars for fucking internet when i don't even have cable or anything is fucking not happening.


( PICTURES. )

Bleh. I want to move to San Diego.

 i leave in like a half hour for the airport. then i'll be on my way to minnesota, and then on to marquette. 

:(

     Love it here, still. Went to the beach, the old town thing, went on a tour of the Whaley House, did some shopping, did some wandering, fell in love with the city. My shoulders are burnt. I love the sun. I love being warm. I love wearing flip flops. I love wearing dresses. It smells so nice here. We're going to the zoo tomorrow; I'm super excited. I just love it and I don't think I want to go home. I'm so bummed thinking about leaving and going back to snow and cold wind and negative temperatures. I could stay here forever. It's perfect and life feels amazing right now. I also got to use my "Orb you glad I'm not a ghost?" joke today and it felt great. I love San Diego. I don't even mind all the people.

     And now I'm left scratching my head, but I'm not going to let things in Michigan bring me down. But, really, sometimes I think I'm too trusting, especially when I let myself get too into what I'm feeling. 

It is beautiful here! I'm never going home. My sister's flight was cancelled so we're chilling until she gets here. I'm all confused because I never get up before 9 very easily. So we're not going to tell me it's really 11:30. I'm just so excited, you guys. I love wearing flip flops. I love you all!

     I'm leaving for San Diego tomorrow night. 
     We're going on a haunted San Diego tour and I'm so stoked, you guys. I love ghosts. We're going to go to the Whaley House one night and omg I'm going to piss a shit! And we're going whale watching and zoos and yadda yadda and fucking thrifting! Fuck I love thrifting. 
     I'm really just not sure what to do right now and I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me everything's going to be okay. I rarely feel as small and immature as I do right now. Not immature in a stupid way, but immature in a "I'm not old enough for this" way. And I just want to cry and I can't. And I just want to go somewhere and just. I want someone to just hug me and tell me it's okay. That's all I want and I can't even get that. 
     Yeah, I don't have much homework to do over break. I'm pretty stoked about that. 
     Anyways, I love you. And if you don't hear from me again it's becuase I was eaten by sharks.

1. American Idol actually fills me with rage sometimes. Most of the contestants just sound like fucking Mariah Carey who doesn't sing, she yells. That is not singing. And they all look like tools. Someone just showed me some ridic video of some dude in a sweatband on AI and I WANT HIM TO WIN. And finally, American Idol will truly be seen for the joke it is. And I know a lot of you like this show, so just ignore this like I do when everyone else disses shit I love or goes on tirades about shit I hate.

2. I leave for San Diego tomorrow! There will be a high of 76 my first full day there! I'm so stoke dyou guys! We're going fucking whale watching! I love those fuckers!

3. My neighbor has a new pug and it's so cute and I was just taking my trash out and OMG THIS THING MAULED MY ANKLES WITH CUTE. GOD DAMN. I NEED ONE.

4. Momma Neuman is driving up today. I'm prolly skipping poetry. I don't know. I didn't write anything for this week at all because all the exercises were dumb. And I'm like "fuck this I jsut want to write things I like." And they're liek "LOL ENUMERATE UR POEMS" and I'm all like "LOL ENUMERATE MY DICK."

5. I love The Sims. Someone fangirl over the Sims 3 with me, nao.

6. All of Marquette is like an iceberg right now because it rained yesterday/got warm/froze. I have to walk all the way to the fucking UC in a half hour and I'm not stoked, okay? Not stoked one bit.

7. That is all, I love you.




Who wants a postcard from San Diego? I'll draw you a picture! Give me your addresses, foooooools!

     OMG I took my septum ring out. But I put the retainer in. idk. I've come to the conclusion that the reason I've never eaten an orange is because it takes too fucking long to eat. What the fuck. You can tell how much of a tubby I am by this comment. If my food doesn't come processed and ready to go in my belly, idgaf. Get the hell away from my nutrition. 
      I'm being a big ol' bitch lately. I'm sorry. It's hard to be nice when you'r mind and heart are just broken. I feel so empty lately. Yesterday was bad. One of the worst days I've had in a while. I was crying for hours at a time. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be all in love with everything again. In love like I am with these shoes:

     I need a job so I can stay in Marquette this summer. Although, I might just go back to Mackinaw because no one will be here, I guess. No one I'm friends with at least. So it seems kinda silly to stay here for no reason. 
     I dislike Tuesdays so much.Shakespeare, Poetry, then YA Lit. I didn't write poems for today because I wasn't feeling it. I get my Shakespeare paper back today, and if it looks good I'm going to run home, print it off, throw it in my portfolio and turn that slut in. 
     I had to get new concealer the other day, right? I had to get the lightest shade. What the hell when did I become this pale? hhhhh.
     I got a cute new shirt from target. It has ruffles. I'm wearing it right now. I need a puppy or a kitty so bad. There's a kitten at the humane society named Miley Cyrus. Clearly it's meant to be, you guys.
     Hopefully getting coffee with someone tomorrow. We might just take her dog for a walk, though. 
     And to end this, I'm going to rant about my vagina. I'm leaving for San Diego on Friday. I should've started my period yesterday. I don't know why my vagina likes to bleed at the most inconvenient times, but if it would like to get with the God damn program, I would be happy. Fuck you, vagina. And not in the good way, in the bad way, with razors and swords.
     I love you all.

Tyler just cemented his spot as my hero and favorite person from Minnesota who isn't blond or F Scott Fitzgerald. I just got back from Wal-Mart and I had big plans to clean my whole hut so that, when my mom gets here on Friday, it looks like I'm a sane, functioning adult who doesn't sit and sob for 3/4 of the day. And when I say i had "big plans" i mean big. And in depth. And that includes cleaning my fridge.

Now, there are things in my fridge that have been there since September, I shit you not. I was terrified to clean it and I was on the phone with tyler as i was driving home and the angel says, "oh whatevs i can do that for you in like ten minutes." so he meets me at my house and then cleans out my entire fridge, wipes it out and everything and takes out the garbage and omg you guys i didn't even have to touch anything gross! he's going the dishes right now. and all i ahve to do is make him muffins before i leave for san diego. i'm so happy right now. but now I have to clean the rest of my house.

bleh. i hate cleaning, so y'all need to get at me on aim. (felloffajetway).

<3

Right, so I don't have class today. I had swimming earlier, but my Brit Lit class was canceled because Mark is going to be downstate for his son's skiing finals. Swimming was tough, but good. We're working on endurance and controlling our breathing more. I'm still kinda sick so the whole breathing thing kinda sucks.

I really hate that this year has gone by so fast. Things were perfect in the fall and now I'm just waiting for anyone to give me a definite answer. If anything, I'd really like it if I could just be 35 and have everything figured out already.

I wish this was all easier.

I leave for San Diego on Friday. I'm trying to be excited but it's hard when I realize that a few weeks after than I'm fucked.